Let’s kick things off with a random, irrelevant confession: last week I was on a flight to Detroit and happened to be seated by 2 people from Ohio. The couple was considering purchasing a house in Arizona and began to ask me more about the great state. When I told them I was from Mesa, they magically pulled out a random map (seriously… OUT OF NOWHERE) and asked me to find it for them on the map. No problem right?
Mesa? On a map of AZ? That one place I lived almost all of my life? Drop in the bucket.
Oh wait… wrong.
You guys. The map was huge. Mesa is huge. It should have taken no time at all, but for the life of me, I could not find it. It was a stupid map. Obviously. Immediately I began to feel my pulse quicken and my upper lip perspire (cue stache wipe). I was out of options. So doing what any other geographically challenged person would do (someone also failed by the public school system)…I politely countered, “Sorry, I can’t find it. I don’t have my glasses.”
Spoiler alert: I don’t wear glasses.
So my blog has proven to be even less active than me, the first week I discovered Netflix. And believe me, I realize it’s super lame to be apologetic about not writing in my blog. I’m pretty sure no one cares :) But for what it’s worth, my lack of updates have not been because of apathy or neglect. But rather, remember that I’m still at the mercy of the arbitrary beckoning and tyrannical snare of Bipolar/Depression. This blog is as authentic as they come. The reason I am not able to do more with it and pursue advertising and such, is because I am doing my best to keep afloat. What you see is what you get :)
Anywayyy, I have so much to say. For starters…ITALY. We did it. It was amazing. And it was all thanks to Kelly (Allen) Roberts and Gabriele Funaro, as well as… all of you. I will eventually post more about the trip. And to note, I am still planning on writing the book. The time is not yet, but it is coming. Good things are coming. Thank you for all of your support. Emotional and financial. I love you all so very much.
As for my message, prayerfully and thoughtfully written:
(…Always remembering not to judge, and ALWAYS keeping in mind that in reference to the heavier posts, I ONLY write what I feel prompted to write. I do NOT use my blog as a personal journal to vent or solicit for pity. Seriously…..GAGGGG.
Life is good, it really is. It’s hard but good. I only share to help.)
I can certainly join in voice, Dickens, as I declare what might be the most memorable, and consequently, most overly quoted literary first lines throughout the history of man: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…”
Nailed it. That has been my summer; summer of paradox. ‘Nuff said. I have spent a tremendous amount of time in bed. However, my moments outside of bed have been used wisely. I have spoken more these past 5 months, than ever before in my life. I have not only been blessed with the opportunities to speak within the LDS church but also high schools and other such secular settings.
This summer has been trying. This summer has been redemptive.
I have never felt more lost. I have never felt more found.
I have never spilled more tears of sorrow. I have never shed more tears of joy.
I have never before experienced more darkness. I have never before known more light.
All in all… I know my Savior, because I know the adversary.
Today, I have one thought to share.
This particular experience took place towards the beginning of my now, 6 year mark of my battle of darkness. I was in my room on the floor, with my mom closely at my side– a site, not uncommon in the Thompson household.
It was a Floor Day.
…..And as recounted many times throughout my blog in earlier posts, (as well as in firesides), I have disclosed quite candidly the details surrounding what I have coined as being Floor Days: the climatic days of darkness. Moments of a compromised brain, and a reality lost in distortion. Moments when I have no strength to stand, yet my body becomes overwrought with a pernicious energy; an energy so toxic and aggressive in nature. My body, mentally and emotionally, is thrown into survival mode. My ability to control myself even physically collapses, as my body is involuntarily thrown into convulsion, and my lungs gasping for air. My mind is lost in utter turmoil and complete chaos. The apex of these Floor Days, (usually lasting about an hour), are my Gethsemane.
These days are hell.
And I know hell.
And I say again… GET AT ME BOYS!!!
How on earth am I still single? Last time I checked, a girl resembling that of a wigged-out, rolley-polley bug, was superrrr hot.
…but keep with me…
I’m only staying integral to the structural paradigm of my writing… I address with (what can be, controversial) candor, the bitter truth of my story; the reality of my darkness. But I ALWAYS follow up with an even GREATER means of hope with nothing short of GENUINE optimism. And the best part? I don’t have to look far or reach vast distances to author the concluding chapter of this bright promise of hope.
As I endure faithfully through the darkness, the light comes to me.
So on this particular Floor Day (almost 6 years ago), I laid there in mental bondage, shackled in the invisible fetters of mental captivity. Meanwhile my mom (who at the time, was still new to this), hovered frantically around me, exerting an inhuman amount of energy to levy her own tears. Her composed demeanor was quickly fading, and the piercing agony in her voice so intense, that only a fellow disconsolate mother desperate to rescue a child, could truly understand. My world was hazy, and my faculties impaired. Yet somehow I managed to maintain a state of lucid awareness of my mother’s woeful cries. I hated it. I tried my best to ignore her lamenting, but to no avail—her palpable pain was quickly becoming my greatest source of sorrow.
I then began to hear her whisper repeatedly, an all too familiar timeless declaration. A declaration I had listened to all throughout my life, uttered by the voice of my sweet mother. I had heard it as a 4 year old covered in Chicken Pox. I heard it as a newly 7 year old sick with the flu on my birthday. I had heard it as a resentful 14 year old: a newly self-appointed martyr, painfully subject to the ‘Awkward Jr. High Year’ adolescent rite of passage– that beautiful time in life, when I could just as well play the role of the homely teenager starring in those AWFUL Growth and Development videos. You know the ones shown in the school auditorium– the ones that make you vow to never, ever make eye contact with a boy ever again. (and yes, I have written about these same fun travails of growing up, more than once. Read this :) Double gag. Anyway, here I was hearing that same emphatic phrase again as a 19 year old, now laden with a burden so oppressive, each minute of torment literally waged a life and death war on my life.
My mother’s everlasting words?
“I would do ANYTHING, to take this away from you.”
Her repetition was not necessary. Even one utterance of this phrase was not necessary. I knew with every ounce of my soul that if she could take this from me…she would.
With each passing moment, my mom continued to chant more and more zealously, those heart wrenching words that served to be both an immortalized pledge to me, as well as a tearful plea to our Heavenly Father.
Her words persisted when suddenly, with just enough breath from an unknown borrowed source of air, accompanied by an intermittent gap in sobs meticulous in timing… my voice broke through in an unanticipated response to my mom. My words were not predisposed, and they came in equal surprise to both of us.
The words were not my own.
Through my shaking body contorted on the floor, I professed with a supernal power and force beyond my own…
“I don’t need you to take this from me… my Savior already has.”
The words just hung there.
A heavenly power filled the room.
Darkness banished. Light conquered.
**The burden was not completely removed AT THAT TIME…
…but the price had already been paid.
I KNEW that my cries were heard. I suddenly felt the weight of my sorrows lift; a weight now carried upon the back of another. And it was not my mom. It was Christ.
There is much more I could add to this, but I don’t feel it is necessary.
Joy IS possible in darkness.
To those struggling, keep going. Keep stretching. And NEVER ever, give up.
- (I know I’ve said this A TON…) But for those of you who have emailed, messaged, or text me, having never heard back… I am sooooo very sorry. Once again, I assure you it is not because I don’t care. I do. More than you know. I pour over each message, time and time again. I pray for you by name. I promise I WILL one day respond. Thank you sooooo very much for entrusting me with your stories. Though many of them are heartbreaking, I soooo appreciate your willingness to share your lives with me. I love each and every one of you. And I LOVE hearing from you. Especially you sweet youth. KEEP WRITING!!
- My blog is in and out of commission. My comment section has been down for a while. That’s why very few, if any comments, appear. But hopefully they will be up and running again soon. …Another huge thanks to Chad Arnett, Sarah and Benson Garner, and Candace Shiflet—these guys collectively run/operate/design my blog for me. They are AMAZING. Especially Chad Arnett. He is an angel in the flesh. But a manly angel. Handsome. Cool. Get at him girls!! ;)
- While writing this post, the clock went from 11:59 pm November 11, to 12:00 am, November 12. Which means it’s kind of my birthday. In Boston. Cool.
- I promise not all of my posts are this grueling, this heavy, and probably this boring. Keep with me. Again, I only write what I feel compelled to write.
- Lastly, I have 2 firesides this month!! Please feel free to come!! (You can watch Facebook for more information…) But as of now the details are: THIS Sunday (November 16), I will be doing a fireside for youth and parents, and of course… EVERYONE. It will be held at 7pm, at the LDS building in Mesa, located on the west side of Greenfield, between Southern and Broadway. The other fireside will be held November 23, for all Young Single Adults…and again, EVERYONE. Time and place, TBD!!